I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Randomize
