Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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