Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
