This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
