I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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