I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Randomize
