The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Randomize
