I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
