you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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