just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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