How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Randomize
