There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
two words: eviction party
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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