I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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