I'm so fucking centered right now
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
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