you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
