I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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