oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
