Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Randomize
