If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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