It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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