she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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