i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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