yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
