I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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