He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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