went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
