Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
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