I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
