I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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