Pants 0. Shit 1.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
