gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Randomize
