Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
