Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
