i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Randomize
