i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Randomize
