she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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