Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
