What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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