she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
