Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Randomize
