so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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