I looked at my own cervix.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
