At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
