Who wears a wallet chain?!
I haven't been this sober since birth.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
