Your face is a jimmy john
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
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