Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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