Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Randomize
