Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
