why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Randomize
