you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
