You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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