if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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